MAGIC KINGDOM
The Kingdom loses all of it's fun when crowded, and it is often filled to overflowing. Navigating the idiot-choked streets and dodging hurtling children will ruin your mood in no time flat. Your only hope is to get in early, or off season, though the Fast Pass system offers a ray of hope.
TOMORROWLAND
Tomorrowland
has had a major facelift which made it probably the coolest-looking
place at WDW. Retro-future architecture, great personality. See
this at night if at all possible.
SPACE
MOUNTAIN 
Not
only a good coaster but an honest-to-God cultural icon. Is it
worth an hour wait? NOT if you like fast, dangerous coasters;
this one's pretty tame and short. The Fast Pass is definitely
a good idea on this ride.
Beware the sleep-inducing atmosphere if you do wait in line.
Dim lights, soft music and eye-damaging displays make the time
slow to a crawl.
ASTRO ORBITER 
Another
cultural icon and despite it's simplicity, a thrilling ride.
Magnificent retro-future design may be the best looking ride
in the entire park, especially at night. Extremely slow loading
and too brief, but provides exceptional view of park.
TIMEKEEPER
A fast moving and
entertaining CircleVision 360 presentation, essentially an excuse
to drag a 360º panorama camera into all sorts of motion-sickness
inducing situations. Well written and crafted. Voices of Robin
Williams, Rhea Perlman; appearance by Jeremy Irons! The waiting
area and preshow are wonderful and make the time pass pretty
painlessly.
ALIEN ENCOUNTER
When you were a teenager, did you ever drive
down a deserted road with the lights off, for thrills? Like they
did in the beginning of The Twilight Zone movie? That's what
this is all about, though much less fun. A dark room, with "scary"
sounds and water that sprays on you. For my tastes, idiotic and
not at all scary. It all depends on whether you are frightened
of the dark; or better still, leaky pipes in a power outage.
Those of us who remember Mission To Mars are not fooled by the
half-baked refitting of what was already a lame attraction. Is
this building cursed?
TAKE
FLIGHT 
Ancient attraction given occasional updates
is an odd mix of bad store window displays and extremely successful
motion simulators and miniatures. The trip into the jet engine
alone makes up for the several awful moments. (soon to be remodeled
into the Buzz Lightyear ride)
SORRY, NO REVIEW OF BUZZ AVAILABLE
YET
CAROUSEL
OF PROGRESS once
considered a technical marvel, now seems quaint and tiresome,
little more than mannequins explaining why big business is your
friend. Also notable for being one of the first attractions to
kill an employee, crushing a cast member to death. A poor working
girl ground to death in the Carousel of Progress. Tell me there's
no irony there.
SPEEDWAY
Identical to every motorcar ride
in any amusement park in the country. Inexplicably long lines
at all times. Outside of nostalgia, I can't think of a single
thing to recommend them.
FANTASYLAND
Fantasyland is full of pigeons, children and weak attractions. Use extreme caution, few of the lines are worth the wait.
ITS A SMALL WORLD
Even
as a break from the heat, this is excruciating. Damien-like 60's
dolls tilt their heads, wiggle their arms, and chant the feared
and evil theme of WDW. Renowned as the age-division ride: beloved
only by those under 6 or over 60.
PETER
PANS FLIGHT Old fashioned and
simple, but done with a quality of character and lighting that
certainly is worth a look. Nostalgic, charming, painless.
LEGEND
OF LION KING If your idea of fun is watching stuffed toys
with sticks in their butts being waved up and down while a recording
of the Lion King plays, you won't want to miss this.
CINDERELLA'S
GOLDEN CAROUSEL It's golden, it
has pictures from Cinderella on it, and it goes in a circle.
Indistinguishable from any carousel anywhere in the world.
DUMBO
It's the Astro Orbiter shaped
like an elephant and closer to the ground, covered with children.
If that makes you want to go on it, be my guest.
SNOW
WHITE Classy, first rate execution of
classic amusement park "dark" ride. No big special
effects, but quick-moving and nostalgic fun. Provokes a smile
every time.
MR. TOADS WILD
RIDE Inexplicably
popular attraction not more than a few notches above the neighborhood
Halloween spook house. It somehow achieved legendary status,
and it's closure was a source of hand-wringing for otherwise
rational adults. Whatever hold Mr. Toad had on so many people
remains unexplained as of this writing.
MERCIFULLY PUT TO REST IN 1998
MAD
TEA PARTY Classic vomit-inducing
swirly ride. I'm getting too old to enjoy feeling ill, but don't
let that stop you.
CABLE
CARS Don't overlook these - the cable
cars are a great way to see the park. Views range from impressive
to illusion-destroying. Those air-conditioning guys working on
the roof of Pinnocchio's house for example, or off-shift costumed
characters taking a break. Pleasant, calming, and a good way
to avoid the horrors below.
Catch the cable cars when you finish Tomorrowland and ride them
over to the edge of Frontiertown
GONE FOREVER, They've been removed after a series of mishaps,
one deadly. But the best views of the park are now unavailable.
I suspect a high tech replacement is in the works, hovercars
or flubberboots or something...
20,000
LEAGUES Also GONE
FOREVER, the classic yet cheesy
underwater ride that helped make Disney famous. While the art
direction was incredible, the illusion was not. Lots of sea horses
stapled to coral with fishing line. Surface of water clearly
visible at all times, often with park debris floating in it.
You missed it. Too bad.
LIBERTY SQUARE
If Liberty Square
had nothing but the Haunted Mansion, it would still be worth
the trip. Oh, wait, the Haunted Mansion is all it has.
HAUNTED
MANSION An absolute classic
- often genuinely unsettling, and always a delight. The art direction
in this ride is astonishing; it must be a major inspiration for
Tim Burton, and even the music sounds like Danny Elfman. Despite
having ridden it dozens of times, there are still a few sequences
that chill me to the marrow. Well, they screwed up the scary
ghost bride recently, losing a few points with me. But the soul-chilling
living doll remains. When I retire, I want to work this attraction;
when I die,I want my ashes scattered here!
HALL
OF PRESIDENTS Rubbery
robots encourage you to celebrate your democracy. A good way
to do this would be to exercise your right to avoid this one.
Another fine example of a walking dead attraction, kept open
out of tradition rather than need. Don't feel compelled to see
it simply because it's a cultural icon.
MIKE
FINK KEEL BOATS Or something like
that. For some reason I've never been on them -- probably due
to bad experience with "no-escape" attractions, like
going on a boat or island. Anybody's guess, but unlikely to be
exciting.
Go to Page 2 of the Magic Kingdom Guide...
