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FRONTIERLAND
Two mountains
make for big fun in Frontierland, but beware the constant threat
of parade, making access difficult at times. This is also where
you'll see most of the dreaded Turkey Leg Zombies, gnawing their
way through the park like primitive hunter-gatherers. The ghastly,
foul smelling remains of their feeding frenzy are strewn about
the park like severed limbs. If you are one of the people who
eat those things, stop reading this guide right now, go in your
bedroom and shoot yourself.
SPLASH
MOUNTAIN 
What appears to be a sweet water ride with
giggling gophers and silly bears also involves a plunge that
will scare you shitless. One of the best park rides for cooling
down, and freaking out. To help enliven the duller moments, look
for the hidden surveillance cameras in the adorable fuzzy creatures'
homes.
TOM
SAWYER ISLAND 
See riverboats/keelboats. A mariner I ain't.
COUNTRY
BEAR JAMBOREE 
Difficult to deny the cutesy charm of this
pop culture, only-in-America attraction, a real guilty pleasure.
Goofy bears perform vaudeville; there are some sly lines for
adults, but the show is uneven. Interesting things happen on
the walls that remind me of some of my better college parties.
DIAMOND
HORSESHOE SALOON Over a dozen visits
and I've never evened considered visiting this--but I don't line-dance
or listen to the Judds either. This does not mean you should
flame me (unless you're into that whole Turkey-leg thing). Personal
choice.
THUNDER
MOUNTAIN Another
cultural icon/great coaster. Ride improves DRAMATICALLY after
dark. All park coasters seem faster at night as well. this is
a good place to be around parade time--it gets roped off. Lines
shorten enough that you can usually get in two or three rides.
You can also get at Splash mountain in this same blocked-by-parade
corner.
ADVENTURELAND
One of the best-looking
"lands" at night, with lots of torch lighting. Small
and almost easy to miss, but you wouldn't dare miss Pirates Of
The Caribbean.
ENCHANTED
TIKI BIRDS Like
Country Bears, sometimes oppressively cutesy. A recent update
hasn't improved things much. There are fun moments but they don't
quite justify the rest of it.
SWISS
FAMILY TREEHOUSE Mildly diverting
walk-through of recreation of castaways' Gilligan-like tree living
quarters. Worth a look if lines verrry low, or if you used to
have a treehouse. Look in the barrels; you'll find fire extinguishers.
Interesting, since the tree is made of steel and fiberglass.
JUNGLE
CRUISE Another
cultural icon, and although only slightly more advanced than
the average amusement park version, has a certain " wow,
I'm really in WDW" feel to it, and in that respect, recommended.
The spontaneous banter of the host wears thin quickly, and you
will NOT get wet.
PIRATES
OF THE CARIBBEAN A
classic that still entertains; vast in scope, execution and mood.
Disney has altered the ride to remove indications of rapes-in-progress..
However, this attraction is still a joyous celebration of robbery,
murder, vandalism, gluttony, and perhaps even bestiality. Wonderful
fun, and as in Jungle Cruise, proof that you're in Disney World.
THE PARADES
Honestly, I've overlooked the parades.
They just don't appeal much, for a simple reason: almost all
the Disney costumed characters look like horrible deformed versions
of the actual cartoons, particularly the hydrocephalic Donald
Duck. I find little entertainment value in watching people in
furry suits gesture to synched music, and think my time in the
park is best spent on attractions, more bang for the buck.
In brief, I'm sure Disney parades are quite spectacular, If you're
into that sort of thing.
HOWEVER I DO HAVE ONE IMPORTANT PARADE TIP: when a parade
is in progress, lines to rides shorten dramatically. This is
an excellent chance to get in a couple of mountain rides. BEWARE
CLOSED STREETS as Disney drones begin roping off the roads
for the show. You could be trapped in bad place! Frontierland
gets especially tricky at such times!
THE FIREWORKS
Actually that famous view of the fireworks behind the castle--the one in every single ad--seems to not be possible with the human eye. I believe it requires zoom lenses. In any case, the fireworks ARE splendid. There are a number of tips for viewing, for variety:
DON'T STAND IN MAIN STREET FACING
THE CASTLE. There are quite
opaque trees between you and the fireworks. If you stand close
to the castle, it will block the view. Optimum viewing would
be floating about sixty feet over the Emporium, but that's tough
to pull off, even with top-notch drugs.
TO SEE TINKERBELL'S BUTT watch from the edge of the Timekeeper
pavilion that connects to the fast food joint. Old Tink flies
from the tip of the castle to directly over the Timekeeper show,
not the reverse as you'd might suspect. They tell me Tink is
often a burly male acrobat; seen her once; looked like a gal.
HUGE FIREWORKS DIRECTLY OVERHEAD can be viewed from Fantasyland,
which is reason enough for it to exist, I guess. Hang out between
the carousel and castle and it will seem fireworks are bursting
on your skull.
OR GO TO THE CONTEMPORARY HOTEL and go to the restaurant
on the top floor. There you will find roof access for viewing
the show. QUITE a treat, highly recommended! You can even see
a bit of Pleasure Island and the Epcot fireworks from here.
OR hang out at the front entrance to the Contemporary and look
towards Space Mountain.
DON'T RUSH OUT because you can't. When the fireworks end,
the mad rush to go home begins. Screw it. Linger. The park is
astonishingly beautiful at night, and a slow walk through the
park at this point is dreamy and relaxing. Disney will thoughtfully
keep the stores open so you can buy some stuff while you wait
for crowds to dwindle.
RESTAURANTS
All Disney park restaurants offer mediocre, inoffensive food at inflated prices. But if you choose well, the eatery itself will be worth the markup. I have eaten at very few of the restaurants, and offer only opinions of those I can recommend.
MAIN
STREET BAKERY The Nestle Toll House Cake is worth the airline
ticket. The other baking is great as well; you can't go wrong
behind these doors. You'll need a big glass of milk!
LIBERTY
TREE TAVERN Decent enough, boring food - but among the easiest
to get at in the park.
