EPCOT
FUTURE WORLD
FUTURE WORLD
SPACESHIP
EARTH 
The biggest AT&T commercial ever made,
alternately uninvolving and overwhelming. Recently updated and
reworked, still shows signs of 70's origins. Gigantic in scale,
and the Earthrise near the end of the ride is the closest you
may ever get to being on the moon. Then again, the birthday party
may be the closest you'll ever get to Hell. Like most attractions
here, a severely mixed bag.
UNIVERSE
OF ENERGY Recently overhauled
and marginally improved. There are still large dinosaurs and
big films but the main attraction is still the theater itself,
which looks fairly normal until the seats rearrange themselves
into giant moving cars and slide into the primeval past. High
quality sound and projection make for quite a show, but the massive
technology produces minor thrills.
The "Ellen" preshow is funny once or twice; after that,
it is numbing, and seems longer than Dances With Wolves.
HORIZONS FOREVER GONE,
Horizons was the hot/cold
attraction of EPCOT. Upon first visit, ride is a very entertaining
visit to an unlikely utopian future of heavily sedated orange
growers, punctuated by moments of astonishing, vertigo-inducing
giant projection domes. The opening, featuring several visions
of the future that never came true, was practically a blueprint
for the look of the New Tomorrowland.
In the last few months of it's life - which was extended due
to the overlong incubation of Test Track - the poor pavilion
was looking pretty shabby. Crippled animatronic animals, holes
and loose wires in the walls. An era had come to an end. (Okay,
now all you Mr.. Toad guys can laugh at my devotion to a pathetic
ride!)
WONDERS OF LIFE Multi-attraction pavilion has lots to offer, including hands-on puzzles and science tricks that are very entertaining. What I found most entertaining was watching adult dimwits completely misunderstand the puzzles while professing that they were "getting it". Home of reasonably healthy snack bar. Avoid thinly-disguised attempts to sell you insurance, and hit the two "rides":
CRANIUM
COMMAND a lively though
preachy audio-animatronic show featuring not-quite-yet -forgotten
TV stars of the late 80s. No big technology here, just an amusing
presentation and a swell pre-show cartoon. Cast reads like a
dream list of Guys Who Used To Make You Laugh.
BODY
WARS is
almost identical to Star Tours but strangely not as exciting--though
still rates as a no-miss. It's a motion simulator version of
Fantastic Voyage, with even worse acting than the original. They
seem to have neglected the pre-show in this one, so it'd be a
good time to look at the map for restaurants.
WORLD
OF MOTION FOREVER GONE, and replaced with The Lousiest Ride I've Ever
Been On. (see below) During it's prime, World of Motion offered
some of the grandest thrills in Future World, notably the massive
City Of The Future diorama. Sure, it ended in a GM showroom,
but otherwise it was a nice treat.
The ride lives on all over the park; the pavilion was full of
cars and buildings and other large props, which you will note
recycled throughout the park. Even the Animal Kingdom has chunks
of this ride used for scenery. They waste NOTHING.
TEST TRACK 
Inexplicable
atrocity. Years overdue, millions over budget, longest lines
in the park and not one bit of fun. Nothing more, and considerably
less than, a ride in a good convertible. Your patience will be
tested by chirpy narration, warm light bulbs and cold air. Then
a robot will squirt water in your face. You will drive around
a warehouse filled with balsa wood cutouts at speeds reaching
17 mph, then enjoy a 4 second high speed ride with one curve.
This you waited two hours for.
They better have fired everybody who had a hand in this excretion.
LIVING
SEAS A visit to a really cool and involving aquarium
is preceded by a sleep-inducing walk through a dimly lit corridor
and a grating, strobe-lit, tiresome film of great pretension.
Worth trying to sneak past the movie by avoiding main entrance
and waiting by elevator exit and going in back door. (see cheating
guide). and waited. and waited. and waited. and rained. and rained.
and rained.
THE LAND: Mediocre entertainment, terrific snacks. Losing
it's charm quickly, despite the sponsorship of Nestle. Includes:
CIRCLE
OF LIFE presentation
has been updated to Lion King theme, but I have only seen the
original; I'm sure it's educational and all that.
FOOD
ROCKS is
way over cute but has moments of pleasure. Decent enough parodies
of pop music, and it's hard for me not to smile at Pita Gabriel.
But it is meant mostly for kids, and feels like it.
LISTEN
TO THE LAND Educational
and mildly diverting boat ride past animatronic buffaloes and
hydroponic gardens. It all depends on your age, I think.
JOURNEY
INTO IMAGINATION The interactive
area, Image Works is interesting enough, but usually swarming
with ill mannered preteens and their unsupervised siblings. Worth
a look for the giant kaleidoscopes and soundscapes, but best
when attendance is light.
It seems the Test Track Unimagineers are on the loose again.
The Journey Into Imagination ride, which was no great
delight to begin with, has been totally revised
and it is insanely bad. It often
doesn't even make sense, and is seems to be assembled from odds
and ends. But, like Plan 9 From Outer Space, it should be seen
for the sheer density of its awfulness. Eric Idle's enthusiastic
voice performance just makes the absence of visual stimuli more
pronounced. Something is terribly wrong at the Disney Dream factory.
CAPTAIN
EO is
FOREVER GONE, but I must talk about it. I'm not a big fan
of Michael Jackson, and the 3D image was often difficult to view
due to Coppola's use of heavy shadows. The supporting characters
were of the lowest Disney denominator. But when it worked, Oh,
man! A great director working in 3D with Angelica Houston. There
is a God!
It has been replaced by something twice as good:
HONEY
I SHRUNK THE AUDIENCE One of the most wildly entertaining attractions
in WDW. A 3D screen and special-effects theater present a genuinely
funny and occasionally frightening sequel with the original cast.
I don't want to spoil the surprises, but expect lots of screaming
and leaping out of seats.
There may also be screaming and violence at the patience-testing
preshow, a painful ten minute Kodak commercial that is so in-your-face
heartwarming that it just makes me want to puke. I'm spending
a hundred dollars on your damn film every stinking visit, so
just leave me the Hell alone and let me enjoy the park, for pete's
sake, will you!!
INNOVENTIONS
Is the new central
area and is spread out over several large buildings. Essentially
a gigantic consumer expo, content varies greatly from sponsor
to sponsor. Computer demos marred by broken equipment, cheesy
previews. Lots of free computer games but it becomes easy to
waste time at Epcot doing things you could do at home. A bit
too commerce-driven to be anything other than a distraction.
On the other hand, it's indoors and the park is in Florida, so
it's got that going for it.
THE FOUNTAIN
Future World Fountain? I don't know
it's name but I call it amazing. A thrilling show of light, water
and music that is absolutely hypnotic--and rather refreshing
on a hot summer day. Better at night, with colored lights, but
a marvel at any time.
Plus, no lines! No waiting! No audio-animatronics!
RESTAURANTS
There are snacks available throughout Epcot and World Showcase, but there is one worth special mention....
THE
CORAL REEF There's something funny and strange about eating
fish while their friends watch you from a huge Aquarium window.
It's a wonderful setting, the seafood is reasonably good, and
it is recommended as a nice break from the noisier areas. Boy
can those fish make you feel guilty, staring all bug-eyed and
slack-jawed at a steaming plate of their own kind.
I know, they don't think that at all, but if I can't anthropomorphisize
my food at Disney, where shall I?
