DISNEY-MGM STUDIOS

Disney's attempt to blunt the effects of Universal Studios and bring in the teenagers is only half successful. Some truly thrilling attractions and only a few total bores. Plenty of great architecture and detail, eye candy galore in every waiting line. Easy to do in a day, if you work at it. A confusing layout makes the park frustrating, with several dead-ends. There's a lot of backtracking to do, and it is possible to miss entire sections of the park.
This guide is a bit out of date. I've removed reviews of rides that have vanished and won't likely be missed.
What will be missed are the Sorcery In The Sky fireworks, which graced rare summer evenings. No longer will the park echo with the voice of Dr. Phibes, or as in later years, Darth Vader. This is where I saw The Rocketeer fly and The Sorcerer inflate. One of the classiest displays ever seen, never to be seen again..

STAR TOURS Any Decent God-fearing American Kid's dream come true, an exceptional simulator ride that really jars you (or Jar-Jars you! Hah! Me make joke!). TIP: Sit in the rear corners of the ship--by being first or last in line of the back row--and the flying sensation will be greatly magnified. The detail in the preshow and ride itself is wonderful and intelligent, a total success on all counts. And I don't even like The Movie that much! This is one of the top ten reasons to go to the park, and the only place in WDW that you'll still find Pee Wee Herman.

INDIANA JONES Unlike another attraction giving George Lucas a hefty commission, this is average. An enjoyable enough stage show imitation of an Indiana Jones flick, complete with rolling ball, exploding barrels, etc. However, the lines are huge, the time to seat lengthy, the audience participation forced and clumsy--the whole damn thing eats up ninety minutes - and about 5 of them are actually fun.

 

MUPPETVISION 4D Very entertaining, from preshow to finish except for that horrible, fun-killing, gut-wrenching "BUNNY!" moment in the middle. You'll recognize it when it comes. Outside of that, lively, funny and loud. Most of the 3D effects are truly impressive, and the stage effects are pretty neat, too. But that "bunny" guy - somebody kill him!

HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS A children's activity park with that classic Disney touch--the giant discarded Kodak film canister, a nod to the film usage in the park and a product endorsement at the same time. Irritatingly, playground is full of children. Still, fun to feel inches tall and walk on squishy pavement. I know, for a guide for cynics, this sure recommends a lot of kiddie attractions...

 

THE GREAT MOVIE RIDE I suppose The Somewhat Entertaining Movie Ride just doesn't have the same ring. The quality of this massive ride/attraction varies so wildly from scene to scene I suspect it was subcontracted! Still, the sheer spectacle of it is worth seeing, and the last few minutes of film clips are fun and exciting. As for the animatronics, the Wicked Witch is astonishingly lifelike, scary and agile, but it is the frightening robot of Dick Van Dyke that will haunt your nightmares.

VOYAGE OF THE LITTLE MERMAID It is worth noting that in this voyage, the mermaid is pretty much permanently fixed to the stage. A live action recreation of a fine film, not particularly noteworthy--the park is crawling with these nowadays. Still, far less painful than the Lion King show.

INSIDE THE MAGIC RUN AWAY!!! The number-one vacation killer in the whole park. Once inside, you are literally trapped for 90 minutes. Interesting items are dangled far out of reach. You are given lengthy promos for stirring shows like Star Search and Thunder In Paradise and walked through long dark hallways. It must have been much like this in Dresden. Awful beyond description.
It has changed - this may no longer be the land mine it was. Update coming...

BACKSTAGE STUDIO TOUR This has to get a split rating: the tour can be tiresome, Catastrophe Canyon is a marvel. This is one of the worst examples of captive audience rides, but the payoff is worth at least one visit. I've made dozens. It would be nice if you could just look at the props and sets and stuff, but forced audience participation takes most of the fun away. It was sad, though, to watch the neglected props rot. In my decade of visits, I watched cars from Blade Runner disintegrate into hunks of rust.
Catastrophe Canyon, though forced and brief, is jaw-dropping. Huge balls of flame, thousands of gallons of water, tremendous effects. If only there were a way to get there without the tour. I can dream...

 

MAGIC OF DISNEY ANIMATION A swell waiting area full of wonderful animation art, a reasonably funny premovie and genuine Disney Animation wage slaves at real work, while you peer at them through glass walls. Best to hang after the main crowd leaves and get a better look at the animators' CDs, toys, family photos and food preferences.
Note: Not even Disney forces their animators to work 24/7 - so you only see animators at their desks about half the time.

TOWER OF TERROR A stunner. A somewhat disappointing preshow with a very thin Twilight Zone theme leads to a spooky dark ride that ends in a spectacular 13-story drop; at latest count four and a half times per visit. Disney has constantly upped the ante by altering the drop's "personality" which is not a drop at all but is chain-driven, allowing for wonderful surprises. It has never failed to delight anyone I've ridden with.
Look around the pre-show area, and the basement after the drop, for a number of great prop recreations from old Twilight Zone episodes.

ROCK'N'ROLLER COASTER Another dark indoor coaster, about the quality of Space Mountain. As is usually the case with Disney, notable for quality of design and execution, smoothness of ride, imagination of presentation and architecture. Nobody's gonna hurt themselves on this one; more fun than scary, and that's not a complaint. A nice appetizer for Tower Of Terror.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST I despise the film, loathe the story and become violent if I hear the overture. Obviously, I'm not a good candidate for this show. But even if I were, could I be amused by the giant, baggy-suited characters? The Beast's high-school level pantomime? Apparently millions are.

FANTASMIC So, who still thinks I'm going to give a positive rating to anything that consists mainly of people in foam rubber heads gesturing to recorded music and dialogue? Well, it's not going to happen folks. Not even the fire breathing dragon will justify the amount of time you'll have to subtract from ride time to see this.

 

THE PARADES

The parades tend to change yearly, themed to whatever movie is out at the time. They're all just OK; you may have read earlier how I feel about parades. They are one of the highest aggravation/lowest yield attractions in the park, and they get in everybody's way. But I'll admit the Toy Story Army Guys are pretty funny.

THE FIREWORKS

What fireworks?! They don't have them anymore! Didn't you read the first part of this chapter!?
I'm sorry, I'm just very upset about the demise of Sorcery In The Sky.

RESTAURANTS

All Disney park restaurants offer mediocre, inoffensive food at inflated prices. But if you choose well, the eatery itself will be worth the markup. I have eaten at very few of the restaurants, and offer only opinions of those I can recommend.

SCI FI DINE IN What a concept! The dining area is a stylized drive in theater, complete with speakers to hang on your door, popcorn and trailers for laughable sci-fi films. a little uncomfortable, but too cool to pass up. You can look in on it without dining, by going down the hall that connects it to the Villains Shoppe.

 

50's PRIME TIME CAFE A lousy place to eat, as the "gag" is to embarrass and harass you while you dine. But visually and conceptually a delight. As above, just visiting the waiting area is a guaranteed delight.
As for the dining experience, this is a personal judgment call. If you like people pointing, shouting, and laughing at you while you eat, this might be for you. Not for me, not more than once that is.

 

BROWN DERBY Talk about a misfire. This is so out of place among the imaginative eateries in the park that one suspects it is a result of marketing gone awry. Decent enough steak, in a stuffy, routine atmosphere that stands in complete contrast to everything else in Disney/MGM.

 

General Info

Magic Kingdom

Disney/MGM

Animal Kingdom

Epcot

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