ANIMAL KINGDOM
Please forgive the
weakness of this guide, but I've only been to Animal Kingdom
once, for about 5 hours.
The newest kingdom is a welcome addition to WDW, and is well
done indeed. The landscaping is calming and interesting, and
the overall atmosphere is friendly and relaxed. It's home to
two of the best attractions in Orlando, and is the best "zoo"
I've ever visited. To quote my sister, "...these animals
won the lottery". Usually I feel sorry for caged animals,
here I felt envious. I wish I was living as well, looking as
healthy and happy as Disney's animals.
Navigation can be tricky, as your point of reference is The Tree
Of Life, and it looks the same from every side, on those rare
instances when it is actually visible. Bring a map; you'll need
it - if only to dodge Camp Minnie and Mickey.
SAFARI VILLAGE
This is where the Big Ass Tree is, and it is the hub of all the attractions, much like the castle in the Magic Kingdom. Unlike the castle, however, there's an attraction inside, and it's a knockout.
THE
TREE OF LIFE Justifiably famous, this massive fake tree is
so rich in eye candy that it is nearly stupefying. The carvings
are superb and imaginative. The only drawback here is that it
causes people in line for the attraction to stare up instead
of look forward, resulting in sloppy line movement and stubbed
toes. Inside the tree is a wonderful 3D & effects movie...
IT'S
TOUGH TO BE A BUG 
Using
much of the same trickery that made Honey, I Shrunk The Audience
so much fun, this 3D movie and stage effects presentation has
the added attraction of much better writing and comic timing,
and the chance to see the phenomenal Pixar animation in stunning
3D. The waiting area is The Tree Of Life, and the lobby is under
the tree, among the tangled roots and glowing mushrooms. An absolute
hit on all counts: smart, funny, amazing, educational, repeatable.
SAFARI
VILLAGE TRAILS 
There's a nature
trail in every "land", and they're all swell. Disney
has done a fine job of making a nice habitat for the animals
that allows you to see them behaving more naturally than you
might in a zoo. This one is mostly cuddly furries and water fowl.
CAMP MINNIE AND MICKEY
As noted above, something you probably want to avoid. I have. So, what gives me the right to pass judgment on attractions I've never visited? Well, look at the names for crying out loud: Festival Of The Lion King. Pocahontas And Her Forest Friends. Maybe I'm wrong and these aren't shows with people in baggy costumes, but I'm not taking any chances.
ASIA
A great ride, Giant Fruit Bats, Kimodo Dragons, and excellent landscaping. Gosh, I don't know what else to say; what else could you want?
KALI
RIVER RAPIDS 
A common enough
rapids ride as seen in many other amusement parks. Benefits from
Disney quality of design and scale. Decent fun, and genuinely
refreshing on a hot day!
MAHARESH JUNGLE ADVENTURE Another nature trail, and a fine one it is
too. The Giant Bats are amazing, as Letterman might say. Even
if you didn't see animals, the incredible detail of the mud would
keep you fascinated. I mean, they put bicycle tires and bird
footprints in the pavement, and it looks real, yet isn't muddy
or slippery. But I digress; you WILL see big animals and they
won't be diseased, depressed and covered in their own feces,
as one expects at city zoos..
FLIGHTS
OF WONDER Performing birds
don't interest me much. Being a captive audience presentation,
I didn't dare go in; I don't think I ever will. I don't know
what "tricks" birds might perform, but I'm going out
on a limb (ha ha) and guessing they carry thing in their mouths,
make screeching noises that resemble language, and jump through
hoops for snacks. You know, just like half their audience.
DINOLAND USA
Criminy, with all the "attractions"
in this park, you'd think it was actual size! It's not - most
of the things listed below are about the size of a Yugo...
This is the home of The Best Ride In WDW, or maybe not - I understand
it's being "softened" for general audiences. A crime.
More on that in a bit.
THE
BONEYARD Dinosaur bone activity center
won't make any headlines or change any lives. Of interest if
you've never seen a dinosaur skeleton, which of course means
you are from Mars.
CRETACEUS
TRAIL I like plants as much as the next
guy, maybe more, but not enough to take this Fern walk. So I
shouldn't judge, maybe it's wonderful. Perhaps it did not appeal
because it is so close to Countdown To Extinction, which pumps
you up.
COUNTDOWN
TO EXTINCTION 
THE BEST
RIDE IN WDW! Maybe even in Orlando.
A combination dark ride and motion simulator, it takes you through
an extremely convincing recreation of primeval Earth. The motion
effects are 100% convincing, and the violent, charging Carnosaurus
scared the living daylights out of me, even on the third ride.
These are not typical Disney dinosaurs; the first big one you
see is swallowing another struggling lizard whole. Asteroid fragments
rush past your head and leave smoking craters in the ground.
I could go on and on - and never do it justice. Seems to be planned
to tie in to Disney's Dinosaur film of Summer 2000, as they both
use the Carnosaurus and Iguanadon as antagonist and protagonist,
respectively.
DANGER: I have recently been
informed that Disney will modify the ride to make it less exciting
and scary, so kids can go. What a swell idea, as we all know
there is practically nothing for kids to do at WDW. Maybe next
they'll put some of those pretty dolls from Small World in here,
and I think a nice upbeat song would be in order. I would suggest
the theme from (name of current disney summer release here).
Disney. They build 5 crappy attractions in as many years, and
proudly advertise them; they take the best ride in Orlando, never
promote it, and then water it down. I repeat: There Is Something
Horribly Wrong At The Disney Dream Factory.
It is probably being done because their upcoming "Dinosaur"
film is aimed at children.
FOSSIL
PREPARATION LAB Another live, hands-on
presentation. Educational I'm sure, but another thing I've passed
on. I'll be damned if I'm going to learn anything while I'm on
vacation!
TARZAN
ROCKS Oh, I bet he does. For generations,
Tarzan has been the very embodiment of pop music; how many of
us grew up listening to Edgar Rice Burroughs on the moog synthesizer?
It's good to see Tarzan finally get the recognition he deserves
as one of this country's finest rock-n-rollers!
DINOSAUR
JUBILEE I don't know what the heck this is; I noticed it
in the promotional brochures. It sure sounds like Cajun food,
but Disney's text suggests it's a store. I won't pass judgment
until I go in there on a later visit.
AFRICA
Sorry, I didn't do much of this either. Guess I'll have to go back.
KILMANJARO
SAFARIS I didn't risk it, as it surely
is a captive audience attraction. I know I missed some wonderful
sleeping animals, but they're not going anywhere. I figured I
could go on Countdown 7 times in the same amount of time it would
take to do the Safari once. Guess which attraction won?
PANGANI
FOREST A wonderful trail that takes you
to the Gorilla habitat, one of the highlights of the animal features.
This is really the only thing I did in Africa, and it was wonderful.
Gee. I have nothing sarcastic to say about it.
CONSERVATION
STATIONMore interactive educational stuff,
neither good nor bad; simply exists. I took a pass on it, so
maybe I missed something. I know you're tired of reading this,
but next visit I'll flesh this report out a bit.
THE FIREWORKS
There aren't any. It's full of animals, you know.
THE PARADE
Didn't see one. Don't know if there is one.
RESTAURANTS
This guide just keeps getting lamer, doesn't it? Don't worry only this section is crippled, I've only been to AK once. I didn't eat at any of the tempting restaurants in AK, but certainly plan to. The menus are swell. I will however review the Rainforest Cafe since I've been to two of those before...
RAINFOREST
CAFE Chuck E Cheese for adults. The settings is kitschy but
endearing, a rainforest canopy with audio animatronic animals
and fake thunder and lightning. What charm the place has is severely
damaged by lousy service, mediocre food, and horrible overcrowding.
Worth one visit, I'd say.
