SORRY!
I wrote most of this YEARS ago -- and even then, late at night and absent mindedly.THE DISCLAIMER: A visit to WDW is comprised of equal parts frustration and satisfaction; you will put up with much idiocy and experience much delight, so the visit is rewarding only to those who are well prepared or suffer from attention-deficit-disorder. Knowing this going in can prevent your trip from becoming a notorious WDW nightmare.
A few basics before the reviews...
THE PARKS
TRYING TO GET INTO WALT DISNEY WORLD
Lets not candy-coat this. The Disney company is determined to make purchasing tickets and entering the park so fantastically difficult that there is a 10% suicide rate just in the advance tickets line. On your first day, expect to use up about 1 or 2 hours simply getting in one of the parks; after that it gets much easier. But initially, you will wait in line in your car at the gate; and again at the parking area. You will stand in line to get on a monorail or bus; stand in line to buy a ticket; stand in another line to give that ticket to somebody. Your attitude may degenerate sharply as you wait uncomfortably in a disorganized line only inches away from fantastic entertainment you have traveled 1000 miles to see. Bring a book.
However, after that first entry, your only admittance problem over the next few days will be guessing what the re-entrance policy of the day is: pass and hand stamp? Hand stamp only? Hand stamp and bio-scan? (that's not a joke--Disney "bio-scans" annual passport holders forcing them to insert fingers into sensor devices)
This is probably the worst moment of the park visit. After this, the Post Office will seem efficient.WHEN TO GET INTO WHICH PARK
Unfortunately this is tough to predict and must be judged on a day-by-day basis. On crowded days, the Magic Kingdom is Sheer Hell, whereas Epcot is fairly leisurely even in its busiest days. Disney-MGM is a crap shoot, as is Animal Kingdom. And if that bugs you, imagine how Disney's bean counters feel about it.
For general rules, Disney-MGM is slowest in the morning, the Magic Kingdom sometimes improves around early evening as toddlers fall asleep and parents must take them back to the hotels; Animal Kingdom seems most accessible on blustery weekdays. Epcot is pretty reasonable most days, but beware: often the park schedule is designed to "funnel" people into Epcot by closing the other parks at 7 or 8, forcing everyone to go to Epcot if they want to go anywhere.MAGIC KINGDOM
PROS: Many excellent rides and certainly the most "classic" rides; walking distance from Contemporary (see hotel recommendations); lowest volume of costumed characters; unappealing to obnoxious, surly teenagers (who all went to Universal Studios). Gives you that special "Holy Crap, I'm Really Here" feeling.
CONS: Subject to crowding, particularly with unhappy parents and wailing infants; sometimes disappointing, primitive rides hide behind lovely exteriors and 40-minute lines; many parades that result in closed streets and isolated parkgoers; decent food expensive and hard to find; half-eaten Turkey legs too easy to find and impossible to avoid stepping in; closes ridiculously early during off-season.
BEST REASONS TO GO: Any ride with MOUNTAIN in the name; The Haunted Mansion; relive your childhood; Nestle's Toll House Chocolate Cake; look at all the depressed and exhausted faces of those with children or large groups.EPCOT
PROS: Most open and comfortable layout; longer "rides" or presentations with well organized and comfortable waiting areas; lots of food and shopping; unappealing to small children; lots of lengthy air-conditioned attractions; astonishing fountain.
CONS: Subject to crowding after 6pm; "Innoventions" area swarming with unsupervised children; many restaurants by reservation only; exiting park at closing may take over an hour. Aging attractions with minor facelifts. Test Track.
BEST REASONS TO GO: Wind down a bit; see really cool fountain light show and somewhat less cool illuminations laser/fireworks/parade extravaganza; check out the Food and Wine Festival in November. Entire park looks awe-inspiring, even romantic, at night.DISNEY MGM STUDIOS
PROS: Best thrill rides; access to real animation studios; easy to see it all in one day; best mix of lengthy and brief attractions. Superb stylized architecture.
CONS: Attendance wildly unpredictable; thrill rides attract teenagers, New Yorkers and bubbas; poor layout requires lots of wandering and backtracking; lots of commercials disguised as attractions.
BEST REASONS TO GO: Get blown up, drowned, dropped 13 stories, and destroy the Deathstar!ANIMAL KINGDOM
PROS: Very mentally relaxing and soothing design; exceptional animal habitats, the best "zoo" I've ever seen; great music; very little screaming.
CONS: Maddening layout; no navigational landmark except tree, which looks the same from any side. A bit too heavy on face painting and chintzy jewelry, and Coca Cola as cultural icon..
BEST REASONS TO GO: Best fake trees and mud you'll ever see; giant bats; Countdown To Extinction!!
LODGING
STAY ON DISNEY PROPERTY
Disney's ad men are right about this one; there's no better value. Cheaper prices can be had, but even the cheapest Disney hotel is immaculately maintained and has good snack bar facilities. The benefits that come with any Disney hotel cannot be equaled outside the park: full use of Disney transportation and access to all Disney property. When the parks close, if you're staying outside you pretty much gotta leave. But hotel dwellers get to enjoy the literally dozens of terrific restaurants and attractions by visiting the sumptuous hotels. A tour of the best lobbies, especially at Christmas, can take hours and is great fun. Also bus access to that whole Downtown Disney thing so you can get back to your hotel no matter how loaded.
I don't care HOW much you think you're saving by staying in Duffy's Moto-Lounge on International Drive. Subtract the gas, time, and hassle, divide by the quality and cleanliness of accommodations, and there's no choice but In The Parks. Anything else is madness.
The main point here is, if you're staying on Disney property, the Disney experience doesn't end when the parks close. I highly recommend The CONTEMPORARY. It's the hotel that allows you to walk to the Magic Kingdom, avoiding lengthy lines and monorail rides. (the monorail ride from the contemporary to the Magic Kingdom runs clockwise, so it's a 25-minute ride or a 5-minute walk.)
The Contemporary, like the Polynesian, benefits from larger rooms before Disney designed to squeeze more in. They're among the largest rooms available in the park. Only the Contemporary, however, has the stunning view of the park that graces postcards. BOOK A TOWER ROOM WITH PARK VIEW and your balcony view all night long will be the beautifully lit castle, twinkling lights of the park and the whirring monorail, breathtaking. A view unequaled, and worth every penny. Consider booking a single night there and then relocating to cheaper quarters, Disney is very accommodating on such matters.
However you can simply visit the Contemporary and get the same view from the roof and observation area as long you are staying on Disney property. More on that follows.Any Disney hotel property is worth staying at, though I don't like the looks of the All-Star Sports & Music resorts, which are crawling with ill-mannered tour groups. The lowest I can recommend are the Port Orleans-Caribbean price range of hotels. If you drive, and learn to navigate the back roads, you can avoid bus transportation to many sites, though you will have to pay for parking at any of the major parks. Staying at any Disney hotel gives you a passport to enter any other Disney hotel to "visit", or, as explained later in the CHEATING guide, to shortcut through back entrances to the parks. This access, if used properly, can be priceless.
THE CHEATING GUIDE
DISCLAIMER: Getting around Disney's weirder rules can be accomplished but since they change the rules regularly, these tips may or may not work. Remember this, though: Disney does NOT want to throw you out of the park, so even if caught trying to pull a fast one, your biggest risk is embarrassment. Also remember that lots of stupid people who can't understand the phrase "no flash photography" are at Disney, so if caught at anything, feign idiocy.
My best secrets are NOT revealed here, for it would ruin them and probably get me a nasty letter from the corporation.Getting into the MAGIC KINGDOM quicker! (if you're not staying at the Contemporary)
Once past the main gates, do NOT go to the Ticket and Transportation center! Don't go to the parking lot! Instead, head off for the resorts and try to find some parking there.
Park at the Contemporary and try to use the walkway to the Magic Kingdom. You may or may not be turned around by a Disney guard; the policy is inconsistent. But you can definitely rely on the monorail, which can be boarded inside the Contemporary lobby. The monorail runs clockwise so unfortunately the trip from the Contemporary is twenty or so minutes. Or you might prefer to park at the Polynesian and grab the monorail there for a quick ride to the Kingdom. Obviously your ride out will be longer but you'll get a great ride through the Contemporary on the way back.
I cannot stress the "feign idiocy" policy enough. Never worry about repercussions for going down the "wrong" road or parking in the "wrong" lot. Believe me, Cast Members are used to, and even expect, morons.
UPDATE: This is getting harder as Disney is enforcing access to resort hotel parking. Use the legal way: stay at a Disney hotel. Even a room at the All Star will give you full legal access to other resorts' parking lots.
Seeing the ANIMATION STUDIOS without suffering the tour.
At DISNEY-MGM, the Disney Animation Studio tour is fun and interesting upon first viewing, but if you'd like to see the animators at work without standing in line, go to the ANIMATION STORE. At the back of the store is an EXIT sign, and it is NOT an emergency exit. Go through the doors into a tiny, Fantasia-themed rest area, and turn right and go through the blue doors. You have shortcutted the pre-show and landed right in the middle of the animation studio. Don't worry about the attendants--they don't seem to mind, It was in fact a Disney attendant who tipped me off about the shortcut.
FREE PARKING
Only the bravest will try this: if you are driving to the parks you may be able to pay for parking only once. After your first, paid parking, put your parking pass in the windshield, and drive to the attendant without coming to a stop, with the confident look of someone with a season pass who does not have to pay for his parking. An overworked attendant will often wave you in rather than assess the validity of your parking pass.
See THE LIVING SEAS before you DIE
Avoid the interminable, mood-destroying film and stroll that precedes the aquarium visit by finding the building's exit, an elevator that regularly disgorges guests. Jump in it when nobody's paying attention and ride it down to the aquarium. If anybody tries to stop you tell them you lost your camera.
RESTAURANTS
Of course I wouldn't claim to have sampled all the eats at WDW, but the food can be described in general categories and I can give some recommendations. Which I do in the park-specific sections of this guide.
The finest restaurants are attached to the most expensive hotels, and I urge you to visit at least one. As for the park, most of the food is fairly bland, unless you get into one of the reservation-required genuine restaurants. The mass-market food must be able to please palates from 2 to 102, so it is not terribly adventurous. People balk at the price of a burger or salad, but just get over it--whattya gonna do, leave the park for two and a half hours to save two bucks on a sandwich? The more important factor is, which place has the shortest line, or the biggest bang for the buck? The bang factor is most notable in the newer parks, AK and DMGM, where themed dining can be more elaborate than the attractions.
Even in the reservation restaurants, food is not thrilling. There are still kids to serve. But the themed decors of the restaurants are the main reason to go, some very delightful. Usually the server provides "entertainment", or there are just cool things to look at.Frankly in the Magic Kingdom, sort-of-fast food is the only real option, the "real" restaurants require reservations. There are swell eateries in the other two parks. On your Magic Kingdom day, try the Big Breakfast as described below.
As in all other cases, planning is recommended. Rather than get slowed down by hunger midday, don't rush into the park the second it opens. Instead, wake up easily and eat a BIG BREAKFAST!
This really works for me. The major hotels feature breakfast buffets that would embarrass Henry the Eighth. A terrific selection of fruits, pastries, meats, eggs, pancakes, oh my! Entertainment is usually provided by costumed characters and is admittedly a delightful experience. The price ain't cheap--but the value is there. Fill up, even to the point of sleepiness and go to the park. This food will hold you quite a while, and the park walking will help you digest. Yeah, right.
KEEP SNACKS IN ROOM and pocket. Cripes, how obvious a suggestion is this?? Take energy food into the park if you can for blood sugar updates!
LIQUIDS! Everything but tap water is quite expensive inside, and though coolers full of iced-down beer are not allowed, you can usually sneak in an Evian--those of you who carry purse or fanny packs, or have unusually large cheeks. If any season but Winter, you WILL perspire freely. Rehydrate often.
STAZERLAND
