THE LIONHEART STORIES

Since Critters was an anthology, not every Lionheart story was accompanied by a cover. I have shown here only my covers, respecting the rights of the artists whose work graced the often beautiful covers of Critters. Follow links to excerpts, or just visit the gallery that follows these story synopsis pages.

READ a COMPLETE LIONHEART STORY! Click HERE!

 

CRITTERS #46
Public Relations, Private Business

Whimsy World gives a sneak preview of it's latest mega attraction, only to have it sabotaged. Lionheart and other reporters are inside The Nutrico Pavilion while animatronics, millionaires, CIA spooks and Fruity Leprechauns run wild. While Nutrico pushes it's vision of better living through bio-engineered breakfast cereal, an ex - employee spills the beans on their covert military drug projects.

While completing this story, the death of Critters was a foregone conclusion. My last chance to mock right wing zealots, spoof Disney and draw giant teeth. If you haven't been in Epcot, or one of the park's other educational riding attractions, this may not deliver as many laughs. The cover certainly isn't very funny, or pretty to look at.
However, it does feature a line of dialogue that I am inexplicably delighted by: "Why... that no good, scum sucking... leech - licking... bald - headed...scheming, two - faced antichrist son of a bitch!"
SCTV rears its head again with the appearance of a bowling shirt from LaRue Lanes.

 

 

USAGI YOJIMBO #12
Hold That Tiger
Lionheart covers a hostage crisis: a tiny little tiger is holding a gun on a jumpy coyote. Finagling his way inside, Lionheart discovers the tiger is a ventriloquist dummy and the coyote is holding himself hostage. Or so it appears at first. Turns out the coyote isn't crazy, but his arm is: it has its own personality and gun. It turns out the limb originally belonged to world famous circus ventriloquist Senor Winces, and in a grisly carnival accident, the severed limb was mistakenly attached to the wrong body. Now the hand wants it's old life back and a big wad of cash.

Not much to elaborate on, except that I may be one of only a handful of people who remember and reference Senor Wences (luckily the list include Martin Short and Dennis Miller). Look it up online, it's just too weird to describe here.
I do like this script a lot, it's a lot of weird surprises for 8 measly pages.

NOTE! Hold That Tiger is now ONLINE in the COMIX section! Wanna READ IT?

 

all images ©1999 by Tom Stazer

No reproduction allowed without consent of Tom Stazer

Like this'll stop you thieving cyber-weasels.